This story is about everyday experience of a girl who suffers from obsessive compulsory disorder (OCD). It is based on the fragments from personal diary of a girl called Nastya.


People with OCD are haunted by obsessive thoughts and fears (obsessions). To overcome them they invent their own rituals called compulsions. These rituals usually are unoffending, but they help to recover from obsessive thoughts only temporarily, that’s why patients have to repeat them all the time. Their behavior can seem strange to other people, and persons suffering from OCD are often put into isolation, what makes the illness even worse. There are around 4 million people with OCD in Russia


Dependence is usually defined as subordination to the will of another person. In this case I depend on myself, on the way how I think and feel this world. And this source of dependence is almost impossible to control

Personal diary is a sort of childish book of complaints, where when I was only 12 yet I wrote about my strong desire to die

Obsessions appear involuntarily. These are fears, compulsive thoughts that I just can’t crush down

In the morning I couldn’t get up and come out of home. I was sure that outside my house something terrible could happen

I constantly wash my hands and head, because I'm afraid that the germs are attacking me

I was coming to university every time only after a dose of antidepressants and antipsychotics and couldn’t understand what other people wanted from me. Soon I couldn’t attend classes because I was starting to cry every time and couldn’t stop

I hold my breath when I am close to other people because I am afraid of getting an infection from them

Trying to overcome fears people suffering from OCD make out their own rituals. With time I made out my “drugs”

When I have compulsive thoughts about something bad that can happen, I have to look at the window and throw out my negative thoughts. If the room where I am has no windows, I feel panic

It is the nature of all the children and adults with some abnormalities to animate all outward things. I prefer to think that with the aid of my compulsions I realized dreams of some people and prolonged childhood for all my life, animating things from outward world. These are walls, ground, plants, windows, staircase flights, water and flaws

I remember that wall on the way to the university. It seemed to me that people offended it, brushing elbows and bags, that’s why I always smoothed it

One should smooth buildings, step carefully, not waste water and feed all the street animals

It is rather hard to discard rubbish, it seems to me that all this wreckage won’t be grateful to go to junkyard

Everything has soul and nothing can be offended, one should care about it and give love and tenderness

It is day patient department of psychoneurologic dispensary. I am allowed to come only for a few hours and go to university

Once per two weeks I have to give jabs of antipsychotics. It attaches you to one particular place and you have to make plans always around it. But with that pink box I don’t panic anymore

But no matter how people are afraid of mental disorders and no matter how they stigmatize them. Illness is the part of me and I am the part of the world and of the society. The illness is the part of me and I am not ashamed of it. Do not stigmatize people with mental disorders, it ‘s not always about voices in the head that appeal to kill. It’s just a peculiar way of thinking and feeling. And to those who suffer from it, I am saying: do not be afraid that something is wrong with you